And as I bask in the sun, I wait. Because along with freakishly warm weather at the wrong times, it interupts mother nature, and we all know the thunderstorm is around the corner. And as I type this, my sunshine high is rolling out with the storm clouds and quickly. I sat down to type this 2 hours ago, and I am finally back, wiping the baby sweat from my cheek. I have rocked and rocked a little baby to sleep and man does that baby sweat in his sleep-- radiates like my sunshine! The storm has held off though. It didn't come yesterday and it's still not here today. So today we play again. I savor in the moment longing to be a porch swinging southern girl in Savannah, sipping on my sun rippened sweet tea. One day, One day! Taking in every breath of warm air and tangling my toes in the rays of brilliant sun light. Potting plants and waiting for paint to air dry. Going for walks and taking plenty of pictures. For this moment, this picture of a sweet little baby with a cleft lip and his 3 year old sister, will soon be over. The thunderstorm will roll in and the next few weeks will get cold and dark again. But spring is just around the corner and I will have an ear to ear smiling, chubby cheeked baby full of lips and no gums and his almost 4 year old sister. Bringing with it the oppurtunity to soak in the sun and fall in love all over again. I get to fall in love with a new smile that I am sure will warm my heart and make my soul dance more then my pedastooled sunshine.
Right now with gloom in the forecast, it feels like I am cheating on the seasons. That we are not giving winter its justice this year. But I am so happy for the summer breeze mid March. My heart and soul needed this bit of pick me up, to carry me through the next few weeks. These next two weeks will be rough ones. I Have no idea what to expect. People can give you all the advice in the world, and doctors can try to prepare you... but it all comes down to every child is different. I have heard everything from they bounce back fast and eat well within a day, to its like having a newborn all over again for a few weeks. Mama is getting teary minded already, in my brain, all my fears locked up and struggling with themselves, because mama dont cry where people can see her. But I'm scared. Scared about way too much to type. I am beyond worried that he has been cleared by the hematologist. It doesnt make me feel better that he doesnt have Von Willenbrands Syndrome, like we thought, but in my mind if he had a blood clotting disorder, they would treat him accordingly and all would be well. Now, no, he doesnt have it, they go on with surgery as planned, and I fear more then before. I know, I know, he doesnt have Von Willenbrands... not helping my fears. I just keep telling myself I would still tremble in anticipation and anxiety no matter if the sun was shining bright, the clouds parted, and some higher being told me everything would be ok. Cause that is my little baby boy. I dont want to let anyone cut him, poke him, or feel his painful breathes against my chest when they hand him back to me. I just dont want to do this, but I know we have to. Blah Blah Blah, the good times dont come without hard times. And if they did we wont be able to see and appreciate the good. I got it all, but I still dont to!
...And there goes the high...
So I turn my head to look at the bright shining light all over the yard, take a moment to listen to the birds chirping, lawn mowers buzzing, and that beautiful patch of fake white daisies Addison stuck straight in the middle of the yard and has been watering daily. Those flowers transform my thoughts, as I smirk at little miss watering them. Those flowers will never die. Bright, beautiful and untouchable by bad weathered moments and changing seasons. But I do want to take several moments a day too take in my gorgeous baby boys face, that will change very soon. And I know I will miss that wide smile so much. It scares me that I dont even know how much, but I know it is way more then I can even imagine. I know my love will never die for him, no matter what he looks like. But I am nervous, I have no idea what he willl look like. They just keep telling me that I should prepare myself, because he will look so different. I have a plan though, I will hold my hand over his mouth every once in awhile, to know he is mine, just till I get reaquainted with him. Bahaha! No really it sounds ridiculous, but I have a feeling it might help alittle, to not focus on his lip, just to block it out for a moment and remember. I'll let you know if I actually feel the need to try it, or if it works to easy my.. insert those feelings that I dont know what they will be yet?
For now, I think I will go stare at that gorgeous sleepy face with the cracked lip for a little, to take it in every chance I get this week. Then run out side and try to bottle some more sunshine to save for the rainy days next week... And this is how we have spent our sunshine these last few days.... savor in it, remember it...
