Well baby day has come and gone.  I did not make it to be induced on Friday.  My water broke at 8:11 pm on Monday night.  September 26, 2011 at 11:12 pm my beautiful baby boy was born, and yes, he was just gorgeous from the moment I saw him!

Addison has surprised me as a big sister.  I was concerned about some jealousy issues at the very least.  Instead, she is more loving and excited then I could have possibly imagined. 

This is HER baby brother!! (and that Oreo is an "open cookie")

My doctor finally told me we are going to induce! Friday, September 30, 2011. My baby boy's birthday!!  I am beyond ecstatic.  This takes so much stress away.  I feel like I will be ready, I wont have to fear going into labor and not making it to the hospital.  The hospital is an hour away (without traffic into Pittsburgh city) and I had Addison in 4 hours and 11 minutes.  I thought for sure if I went into labor naturally, that there was no way I would make it.  Not if they say your 2nd child comes faster. When I first expressed my concerns about fast child birth with my doctor he made a not so funny joke about how I wouldn't be the first person to have my baby in the car this month.  Apparently that was headline news recently.  He told me I probably just had my baby that fast last time because I was induced. 

I excitedly called my mom.  Now she would be here on time to babysit Addison.  Another fear.  That I would go into labor and have no one to watch Addison.  That I would have to have this baby alone because Bryan would be with my soon-to-be oldest daughter.  Oh how easy this was the first time, when I had no preconceptions, worries, or fears.  Now all, most of that is gone.  It feels good to have a plan.  To know that the hospital is expecting you, you're completely ready, packed, won't forget anything. 

It's officially 10 days till I get to hold my baby!!!

I may explode...

2 1/2 more weeks to go!!  The waddling is getting pretty humorous.

I had my EKG for the baby's heart.  Lots of digging in my pelvis again.  The results are... inconclusive.  Awesome. Great. Wonderful. NOT!  I am done.  Done with doctors.  Done with poking and needles.  Digging till my belly is sore.  And DONE with worrying.  Ok, not done worrying.  I have enough on plate though to worry about already.  I do not need anymore 'what ifs'.  If you can tell me with 100% certainty, and none of this doctor says, "well, maybe, sorta, I can half ass tell you something..."  I want straight forward answers.  For the love of god, just tell me upfront, what is your professional opinion on the matter.  I wont sue you if your wrong (I guess they dont like to take chances.)  Anyway, I just want to spend the next 3 weeks of my pregnancy in peace and quiet, I would like to take some time to destress and maybe, perhaps enjoy the last few moments of feeling my baby kick inside me.  Cause that is was I do every 5 minutes, wonder if my baby is alright in those tight quarters.  I been living for the kicks, to sigh in relief that everything is still working in there.

I will give today a big thumbs up because in light of all that isn't going my way.  I realized as I came out of that appointment, throwing my hands up in the air in desbelief of doctors everywhere, I was thankful.  For the first time in the last few weeks, I was really thankful.  I wanted to take the time to not dwell on the what ifs, and find the good that I sometimes overlook day to day.

I get to see my little baby and know he is healthy.  It eases the worrying.

I get to hear his heart beat one more time.

I am aware and present.  I have come to love and appreciate every movement and kick.

I realized how beautiful it actually is to be pregnant.  In all the hussle and bussle of life, I keep forgetting to take pregnancy pictures.

I have taken a lot of time for myself lately.  My favorite is me time in a bubble bath.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it was this or maybe not having another baby... that makes that decision really easy, hands down this, every time.

That I live so close to the nation's #1 children's hospital, It doesnt get better then that.  How can I not be thankful about this.

I feel pretty decent at this stage of pregnancy.  With age, its alittle tougher then the last pregnancy.  But I am still standing, still working,  haha, ok sometimes I sit to work.  Hey this baby is a heavy one.  (I carry this belly everyday, I know its heavier then the last one at least!)

My husbands sense of humor.  Our little family and friends... they are a rough around the endges crowd.  You learn to laugh at yourself, because everyone else is laughing at you too.

The power laughter and a smile brings, even when its from an innappropriate joke.

That my son may one day have his father's sense of humor.  I'll be a proud mama one day when someone says, "What happened to your face?"  and like father like son they will get a, "What happened to your whole face?"

Finding out my baby has giant feet.  I took back all the socks and shoes for a bigger size!

I will have two beautiful and healthy (they like to call it 'other-wise' healthy) children.

They say that cleft-affected (That's what I see it referred to as-- I am learning quickly.) children tend to be, I dunno-- nicer, kinder, less like tool bags later in life.

Today is a good day.

Today was the day.  We went for an ultrasound at the Magee Hospital in Pittsburgh.  The goal was to have a more thorough ultrasound, with the added effect of seeing the baby's face in 3d.  Then a Genetic counselor, then it was off to the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh for a meeting with the Craniofacial team.

Ultrasound:  I felt like I was in their waiting room for hours, in reality... probably about an hour.  Just enough time to let the situation get to me, as I watched every gorgeous pregnant women walk in and out with their significant others.  They all seemed to be smiling ear to ear, waddling as cute as can be, hands resting on big baby bumps.  Every one of them seemed happy with the perfect world they were living in.  While I commiserated about the thing I was about to find out.  I rested my hands on either side of my big baby bump and wanted to be one of them. 

When they finally called my name, we wondered through a maze of hallways to a big comfy room and got started straight away.  Decent sized flat screen monitor, right in front of me.  I stared as they went through what seemed like a very strategic plan.  One step at a time, only ever skipping one step, and coming immediately back to it.  (It looked like she couldn't figure out a left bone from a right bone.)  I didn't say a single word, to scared to hear about "other" abnormalities.  The silence was broken when the ultrasound tech commented, "Who's got big feet?"  The answer to that question was me: 5'1 wearing size 10 shoes.  The baby's feet were almost 3 inches long with a month still left to grow!

Then came the fun part.  They wiggled me, laid me on one side, then the next side.  Tilted me UPSIDE DOWN.  I almost got sick and had to sit up.  Then upside down again I went.  All shook up... and they could NOT get that little man to get his hands out of his mouth!  After a fair amount of extra time spent trying, she gave up and called the doctor to come try.  Bryan said he noticed that she also spent a little extra time examining his heart.  Sure enough when the doctor came in to try his hand at getting a better picture of my baby sucking on his fist, they wanted to talk to me about the possibility of a heart problem.  I just love this, "We aren't sure.  Its nothing to be alarmed about.  We just want a cardiologist to come look at his heart.  We think one ventricle appears slightly larger then the other.  This could mean..."

Of course, the cardiologist didn't have time to see us.  So, I need to schedule another appointment.  With the baby's hand in front of his face, they also couldn't tell me anything else about my little man's cleft, except that they are pretty sure he has a cleft.  It appears to be only on one side of his face.

Genetic counselor: He was definitely straight off the boat from Germany.  We chit chatted about our heritage, where we grew up, and how my obgyn was his roommate in college.  Obviously we went over family history of deformities, which neither of our families have any.  Concluding that a cleft lip is probably "isolated" and not genetic.  He threw out some tiny number at what are chances are of having another baby with a cleft. (Obviously we wont the lottery on that the first time, when the number was smaller, so I'm not sure it helps.)  I nervously had to ask if there was any chance this was more then a deformity, especially now that I have to come back for an EKG of the baby's heart.  "It's possible, though the cleft looks to be isolated." 

Craniofacial team: One very nice, not overwhelming, Craniofacial coordinator:  MUCH more comfortable then I thought this was going to be.  Let me start by saying, of all the hospitals in the world, this one is amazing!  I moved across the state with my family to a place where I know no one.  We have no friends or family, and I was starting to question our decision to come here.  Then I realized we came here for THIS hospital.  We have been here twice now. (Another story, another day:  My daughter got plastic surgery here to fix her ear after a dog bite.)  Each time I enter the building I can't help but take in how colorful, distracting, playful, and breath-taking it is.  The waiting rooms have huge interactive fish tanks, child entertaining displays, video games, TVs, etc.  You name it, and they thought of it already.  I also read on the way down here, that it is the #1 children's hospital in the nation, as far as technology.  Win for us!

On to Matt, the craniofacial team coordinator.  Awesome.  I felt incredibly comfortable talking to him.  He answered all of our questions.  We looked at the still pictures from my ultrasounds earlier.  Laughed about how my baby had his hand in front of his mouth, making it impossible to know more about his specific cleft deformity.  He gave us a free pack of 6 bottles.  Showed us before and after pictures of cleft lip repairs.  It is a 90% chance in a boy that his palate is effected with the cleft.  He gave me advice, telling me not to worry about the heart problem.  If there was a problem there, he said it was probably unrelated, that at this point the doctor's just want to be thorough.  Told me not to take advice from the delivery nurses, that they have no knowledge of cleft babies (not comforting), but that I could call the office at any time, day or night.  If I needed help feeding the baby, that it is much easier then I was imagining, that I could call and someone would sit and talk me through it.  When I left that office, for just a moment, I had no worries.  Of course, some of the worries came back, but I felt confident.  He assured me that they would go over every medical concern I had, blood testing and genetic history 2 weeks before surgery. 

He also told me, that this wasn't my fault.  That this wasn't anything that I did wrong.  That they don't know what causes it, but sometimes it just happens.  That there simply wasn't enough facial tissue to finish forming his face.  I believed him, I was reassured, and completely confident that everything was going to be perfect... Because he had that scar on his lip.  Matt, our wonderful craniofacial coordinator, was an advocate for craniofacial deformities, because he had a cleft lip.  After truly feeling how wonderful this experience was with Matt today, I was ok, more then ok, I felt beyond blessed.

I didn't want to be one of those other mothers.  This was my big footed baby.  And this was were I was meant to live, next to the nations #1 children's hospital.  Odd, for someone who doesnt know much about God, but I truly felt like someone put us here, lead us where we needed to be, and gave us everything we needed to handle this.

As the days go on, I've stopped holding my breath and I've learned to breath again, breath through the painful times.  I've learned, it's just a cleft lip, probably a cleft palate (they say 90%, with the occurrence of a cleft lip.)  Yes, it'll be a struggle.  They say life isn't easy, and they don't lie.  The heartache and the pained thoughts still remain, but I know I just have to work through it all a piece at a time.

To some people my feelings will be trivial.  I know to some a cleft lip is nothing and I'm being  .  I know there are much bigger problems in the world.  For the person who loses a child or can't have a child: I've been there too.  Or the person who wishes their baby "just" had a cleft.  But, for the mother who hears my news, shocking news of a deformity on the child you have longed for, the perfect little bundle you dreamed about for 2 years, from conception til birth... those dreams are shattered in that moment.  Those dreams need time and process to rebuild.  It's hard to do that when you are left waiting for answers.  You have to wait for an ultrasound to confirm more then just the "maybes" you were told.  Wait to hold your baby, wondering every second of everyday: What will he look like?  What else could possibly be wrong with him?  Is he otherwise healthy?  Just wanting him in your arms already to know for sure he is alright.  To see for yourself, to take it in, and to know HE IS OK.  If I hadn't already been feeling worried for the last 9 months, I certainly am now.  The worry just intensifies.  I want to hold my baby: Now!

And, the LAST thing I want to hear is, Maybe he doesn't have a cleft lip, Shannon.  Maybe he was just making a funny face.  You never know.  I've accepted it already. (sorta).  I'm not happy about it, but let's not kid, I know it's there.  The doctors are rarely wrong about what they see, unless of course, they accidentally put someone else's scan in my chart: Unlikely.  I don't want to take two steps back.  I want to move only forward.  I am due in 3 weeks, and I don't have time to be pretending this isn't happening.  Unfortunately, you need friends and family to get you through, but SORRY (I am really sorry), there is no right thing to say.  Thank you for just being there though, when I need to cry or talk.

I am supposed to write a list of questions to ask the "Craniofacial team"-- A word I can not get out of my head, meaning: an overwhelming team, of who knows how many people, all for one tiny little baby.  I want to know how bad it is, what special feeding tools I need?  Clothes?  Eating?  Have I bought all the wrong baby things?  Do I need to return most of my registry?  How expensive is this going to be, supply-wise?  Cause I looked up those bottles: $34 a piece!  I was hoping not to have to pay for formula, but now I might.  What are my chances of breast feeding?  I'll have to pump, but I can't afford a good pump.  The last time I bought a hand held manual pump, I ran out of milk in 3 months.  All the normal items you can find on any googled "question list", I have those questions, all of them!

That left me with all the non-medical related jumble that no one could give me the answers to.  The mess that was left, that only I could sort out.  By sort out I mean, I probably will never have the answers I want, so how do I begin to deal with them and accept filing them into the "let it go/forget about it" pile.  First, acknowledge as many of the questions as you can identify (preferably getting through all of them without breaking down into tears after the very first one). 

So, here goes-- bear with me:
What did I do wrong?  I told everyone I didn't want anymore kids, but I secretly did, still do, I think.  Would this happen again?  What am I going to do?  Will I be up all night feeding?  Will it take hours to feed him one bottle?  I have visions of a struggling mom trying to squeeze bottles of milk into a frustrated, hungry, crying baby's wide open mouth.  What if I cant figure out how to do it?  What if I cant find the patience I am going to desperately need, on no sleep?  I can only imagine an unhealthy, under-nourished baby, spitting up constantly.  Me, not getting it right and A LOT of tears and frustration from both parties.  What if when they hand him to me and I can't hold him?  What if I am scared to look at him?  What if I think he is ugly?  Everyone will see him like this.  What will they say behind my back?  What will they think?  I don't even know how this happened.  How can I begin to explain this to anyone?  How will I tell people?  I want people to know before they see him.  I don't want people just staring at him and not saying anything out of shock.  What will I tell Addison?  How can a 3 year old comprehend this?  She'll say child-like, innocent statements or questions about how his face looks and I wont know what to say.  What will he think one day...?  Will he judge me, hate me, forgive me, understand?  Will he get teased?  What will it look like when they fix it?  I know the scar will be there, always.  Will he be unhappy one day, because of everything he had to endure?

The surgeries, the pain, the worry?  No one in my family has ever had surgery-- EXCEPT, my father, my dead-from-an-allergic-reaction-to-anesthesia-father-- OH GOD PLEASE NO!  And I cry.  I cant do this!  The waiting in a quiet hospital holding room to think for hours if there were any genetic complications.  No one can tell me, its just a routine surgery and expect that to take my fear away.  I imagine I kissed my daddy that day, if I was lucky, and got an "I'll see you later" for his routine surgery.  My fears are all still flooding with emotion.  I want this baby, this very baby-- just the way he is.  I know there is so much that goes with it, but I fought for this baby.  This was my child.  The one I begged for night and day, with every cycle come and gone.  The one I tried so hard for,  I almost lost sight of the love of my life, right there next to me, trying with me, for me.  The little egg I thought I was going to lose for the first 13 weeks.  The one I cried to hold onto, after losing the last few.  I want him to look different, for his sake, to spare him.  For my sake.  I cry and beg to feel differently about all this, but I don't.  I love him, I want him, but I am so afraid to reject him, to lose him.  I am afraid to think he is anything less the beautiful and perfect.  I dreamed of a flawless baby and right there in the very center of his face-- where it all comes together, that the world will notice-- is a deformity.  I am drained, exhausted from thinking.  I am afraid.