Photo Dump Friday:

My sister is here! My sister is finally here!!  It has literally been 365 days since I saw her last, and so much of life has gone by that she has only seen in pictures.  Tears welled up my eyes all week as I thought of the moment she would see her nephew for the very first time.  Looking back, I can't believe how afraid I was for people to meet him.  How I thought I wanted to hide away for weeks until they fixed it.  How I thought 6 months was too long to wait to fix it.  Now, I wish everyone could have met him the day he was born.  I am so thankful right now that Auntie Kendra got to cuddle him, love him, and stare at him with his adorable little lip!

Now it saddens me that soo much of my family will never know him like this.  They will never see his gorgeous wide open smile and his drooling giggles.  It saddens me that I didn't believe in the moment when the moment was here, and there isn't a lot of time left.  Everyday I just want to soak him in as he is, knowing that in just two months he won't be the same.  He will still be my perfect little baby boy, but I will miss his smile.

Phone Dump Friday:

Check up today at the obgyn.  I just want to tell that doctor that arriving too late for an epidural, is NOT making it to the hospital.  That's barely, and almost doesn't count!

Though I do want to give a big round of applause to the UPMC network of hospitals in Pittsburgh.  They got their shit under control!  I have been to 4 hospitals in the last 6 weeks and all there patient files cross over.  It seems that everything or anybody you see all submits there files into one patient folder.  My obgyn knew before I said anything, everything from the baby's file from Magee the Women's hospital and the children's hospital, and everything from Mon Valley and Presbyterian, who did my gall bladder surgery.  Like I said, no second guessing, shit is under control! High Five!

hone to see daddy!

at my mom's 100 shades of broken.  Preminition before surgery and thoughts of death.

Well baby day has come and gone.  I did not make it to be induced on Friday.  My water broke at 8:11 pm on Monday night.  September 26, 2011 at 11:12 pm my beautiful baby boy was born, and yes, he was just gorgeous from the moment I saw him!

Addison has surprised me as a big sister.  I was concerned about some jealousy issues at the very least.  Instead, she is more loving and excited then I could have possibly imagined. 

This is HER baby brother!! (and that Oreo is an "open cookie")

My doctor finally told me we are going to induce! Friday, September 30, 2011. My baby boy's birthday!!  I am beyond ecstatic.  This takes so much stress away.  I feel like I will be ready, I wont have to fear going into labor and not making it to the hospital.  The hospital is an hour away (without traffic into Pittsburgh city) and I had Addison in 4 hours and 11 minutes.  I thought for sure if I went into labor naturally, that there was no way I would make it.  Not if they say your 2nd child comes faster. When I first expressed my concerns about fast child birth with my doctor he made a not so funny joke about how I wouldn't be the first person to have my baby in the car this month.  Apparently that was headline news recently.  He told me I probably just had my baby that fast last time because I was induced. 

I excitedly called my mom.  Now she would be here on time to babysit Addison.  Another fear.  That I would go into labor and have no one to watch Addison.  That I would have to have this baby alone because Bryan would be with my soon-to-be oldest daughter.  Oh how easy this was the first time, when I had no preconceptions, worries, or fears.  Now all, most of that is gone.  It feels good to have a plan.  To know that the hospital is expecting you, you're completely ready, packed, won't forget anything. 

It's officially 10 days till I get to hold my baby!!!

I may explode...

2 1/2 more weeks to go!!  The waddling is getting pretty humorous.

I had my EKG for the baby's heart.  Lots of digging in my pelvis again.  The results are... inconclusive.  Awesome. Great. Wonderful. NOT!  I am done.  Done with doctors.  Done with poking and needles.  Digging till my belly is sore.  And DONE with worrying.  Ok, not done worrying.  I have enough on plate though to worry about already.  I do not need anymore 'what ifs'.  If you can tell me with 100% certainty, and none of this doctor says, "well, maybe, sorta, I can half ass tell you something..."  I want straight forward answers.  For the love of god, just tell me upfront, what is your professional opinion on the matter.  I wont sue you if your wrong (I guess they dont like to take chances.)  Anyway, I just want to spend the next 3 weeks of my pregnancy in peace and quiet, I would like to take some time to destress and maybe, perhaps enjoy the last few moments of feeling my baby kick inside me.  Cause that is was I do every 5 minutes, wonder if my baby is alright in those tight quarters.  I been living for the kicks, to sigh in relief that everything is still working in there.

I will give today a big thumbs up because in light of all that isn't going my way.  I realized as I came out of that appointment, throwing my hands up in the air in desbelief of doctors everywhere, I was thankful.  For the first time in the last few weeks, I was really thankful.  I wanted to take the time to not dwell on the what ifs, and find the good that I sometimes overlook day to day.

I get to see my little baby and know he is healthy.  It eases the worrying.

I get to hear his heart beat one more time.

I am aware and present.  I have come to love and appreciate every movement and kick.

I realized how beautiful it actually is to be pregnant.  In all the hussle and bussle of life, I keep forgetting to take pregnancy pictures.

I have taken a lot of time for myself lately.  My favorite is me time in a bubble bath.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it was this or maybe not having another baby... that makes that decision really easy, hands down this, every time.

That I live so close to the nation's #1 children's hospital, It doesnt get better then that.  How can I not be thankful about this.

I feel pretty decent at this stage of pregnancy.  With age, its alittle tougher then the last pregnancy.  But I am still standing, still working,  haha, ok sometimes I sit to work.  Hey this baby is a heavy one.  (I carry this belly everyday, I know its heavier then the last one at least!)

My husbands sense of humor.  Our little family and friends... they are a rough around the endges crowd.  You learn to laugh at yourself, because everyone else is laughing at you too.

The power laughter and a smile brings, even when its from an innappropriate joke.

That my son may one day have his father's sense of humor.  I'll be a proud mama one day when someone says, "What happened to your face?"  and like father like son they will get a, "What happened to your whole face?"

Finding out my baby has giant feet.  I took back all the socks and shoes for a bigger size!

I will have two beautiful and healthy (they like to call it 'other-wise' healthy) children.

They say that cleft-affected (That's what I see it referred to as-- I am learning quickly.) children tend to be, I dunno-- nicer, kinder, less like tool bags later in life.

Today is a good day.

Today was the day.  We went for an ultrasound at the Magee Hospital in Pittsburgh.  The goal was to have a more thorough ultrasound, with the added effect of seeing the baby's face in 3d.  Then a Genetic counselor, then it was off to the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh for a meeting with the Craniofacial team.

Ultrasound:  I felt like I was in their waiting room for hours, in reality... probably about an hour.  Just enough time to let the situation get to me, as I watched every gorgeous pregnant women walk in and out with their significant others.  They all seemed to be smiling ear to ear, waddling as cute as can be, hands resting on big baby bumps.  Every one of them seemed happy with the perfect world they were living in.  While I commiserated about the thing I was about to find out.  I rested my hands on either side of my big baby bump and wanted to be one of them. 

When they finally called my name, we wondered through a maze of hallways to a big comfy room and got started straight away.  Decent sized flat screen monitor, right in front of me.  I stared as they went through what seemed like a very strategic plan.  One step at a time, only ever skipping one step, and coming immediately back to it.  (It looked like she couldn't figure out a left bone from a right bone.)  I didn't say a single word, to scared to hear about "other" abnormalities.  The silence was broken when the ultrasound tech commented, "Who's got big feet?"  The answer to that question was me: 5'1 wearing size 10 shoes.  The baby's feet were almost 3 inches long with a month still left to grow!

Then came the fun part.  They wiggled me, laid me on one side, then the next side.  Tilted me UPSIDE DOWN.  I almost got sick and had to sit up.  Then upside down again I went.  All shook up... and they could NOT get that little man to get his hands out of his mouth!  After a fair amount of extra time spent trying, she gave up and called the doctor to come try.  Bryan said he noticed that she also spent a little extra time examining his heart.  Sure enough when the doctor came in to try his hand at getting a better picture of my baby sucking on his fist, they wanted to talk to me about the possibility of a heart problem.  I just love this, "We aren't sure.  Its nothing to be alarmed about.  We just want a cardiologist to come look at his heart.  We think one ventricle appears slightly larger then the other.  This could mean..."

Of course, the cardiologist didn't have time to see us.  So, I need to schedule another appointment.  With the baby's hand in front of his face, they also couldn't tell me anything else about my little man's cleft, except that they are pretty sure he has a cleft.  It appears to be only on one side of his face.

Genetic counselor: He was definitely straight off the boat from Germany.  We chit chatted about our heritage, where we grew up, and how my obgyn was his roommate in college.  Obviously we went over family history of deformities, which neither of our families have any.  Concluding that a cleft lip is probably "isolated" and not genetic.  He threw out some tiny number at what are chances are of having another baby with a cleft. (Obviously we wont the lottery on that the first time, when the number was smaller, so I'm not sure it helps.)  I nervously had to ask if there was any chance this was more then a deformity, especially now that I have to come back for an EKG of the baby's heart.  "It's possible, though the cleft looks to be isolated." 

Craniofacial team: One very nice, not overwhelming, Craniofacial coordinator:  MUCH more comfortable then I thought this was going to be.  Let me start by saying, of all the hospitals in the world, this one is amazing!  I moved across the state with my family to a place where I know no one.  We have no friends or family, and I was starting to question our decision to come here.  Then I realized we came here for THIS hospital.  We have been here twice now. (Another story, another day:  My daughter got plastic surgery here to fix her ear after a dog bite.)  Each time I enter the building I can't help but take in how colorful, distracting, playful, and breath-taking it is.  The waiting rooms have huge interactive fish tanks, child entertaining displays, video games, TVs, etc.  You name it, and they thought of it already.  I also read on the way down here, that it is the #1 children's hospital in the nation, as far as technology.  Win for us!

On to Matt, the craniofacial team coordinator.  Awesome.  I felt incredibly comfortable talking to him.  He answered all of our questions.  We looked at the still pictures from my ultrasounds earlier.  Laughed about how my baby had his hand in front of his mouth, making it impossible to know more about his specific cleft deformity.  He gave us a free pack of 6 bottles.  Showed us before and after pictures of cleft lip repairs.  It is a 90% chance in a boy that his palate is effected with the cleft.  He gave me advice, telling me not to worry about the heart problem.  If there was a problem there, he said it was probably unrelated, that at this point the doctor's just want to be thorough.  Told me not to take advice from the delivery nurses, that they have no knowledge of cleft babies (not comforting), but that I could call the office at any time, day or night.  If I needed help feeding the baby, that it is much easier then I was imagining, that I could call and someone would sit and talk me through it.  When I left that office, for just a moment, I had no worries.  Of course, some of the worries came back, but I felt confident.  He assured me that they would go over every medical concern I had, blood testing and genetic history 2 weeks before surgery. 

He also told me, that this wasn't my fault.  That this wasn't anything that I did wrong.  That they don't know what causes it, but sometimes it just happens.  That there simply wasn't enough facial tissue to finish forming his face.  I believed him, I was reassured, and completely confident that everything was going to be perfect... Because he had that scar on his lip.  Matt, our wonderful craniofacial coordinator, was an advocate for craniofacial deformities, because he had a cleft lip.  After truly feeling how wonderful this experience was with Matt today, I was ok, more then ok, I felt beyond blessed.

I didn't want to be one of those other mothers.  This was my big footed baby.  And this was were I was meant to live, next to the nations #1 children's hospital.  Odd, for someone who doesnt know much about God, but I truly felt like someone put us here, lead us where we needed to be, and gave us everything we needed to handle this.

As the days go on, I've stopped holding my breath and I've learned to breath again, breath through the painful times.  I've learned, it's just a cleft lip, probably a cleft palate (they say 90%, with the occurrence of a cleft lip.)  Yes, it'll be a struggle.  They say life isn't easy, and they don't lie.  The heartache and the pained thoughts still remain, but I know I just have to work through it all a piece at a time.

To some people my feelings will be trivial.  I know to some a cleft lip is nothing and I'm being  .  I know there are much bigger problems in the world.  For the person who loses a child or can't have a child: I've been there too.  Or the person who wishes their baby "just" had a cleft.  But, for the mother who hears my news, shocking news of a deformity on the child you have longed for, the perfect little bundle you dreamed about for 2 years, from conception til birth... those dreams are shattered in that moment.  Those dreams need time and process to rebuild.  It's hard to do that when you are left waiting for answers.  You have to wait for an ultrasound to confirm more then just the "maybes" you were told.  Wait to hold your baby, wondering every second of everyday: What will he look like?  What else could possibly be wrong with him?  Is he otherwise healthy?  Just wanting him in your arms already to know for sure he is alright.  To see for yourself, to take it in, and to know HE IS OK.  If I hadn't already been feeling worried for the last 9 months, I certainly am now.  The worry just intensifies.  I want to hold my baby: Now!

And, the LAST thing I want to hear is, Maybe he doesn't have a cleft lip, Shannon.  Maybe he was just making a funny face.  You never know.  I've accepted it already. (sorta).  I'm not happy about it, but let's not kid, I know it's there.  The doctors are rarely wrong about what they see, unless of course, they accidentally put someone else's scan in my chart: Unlikely.  I don't want to take two steps back.  I want to move only forward.  I am due in 3 weeks, and I don't have time to be pretending this isn't happening.  Unfortunately, you need friends and family to get you through, but SORRY (I am really sorry), there is no right thing to say.  Thank you for just being there though, when I need to cry or talk.

I am supposed to write a list of questions to ask the "Craniofacial team"-- A word I can not get out of my head, meaning: an overwhelming team, of who knows how many people, all for one tiny little baby.  I want to know how bad it is, what special feeding tools I need?  Clothes?  Eating?  Have I bought all the wrong baby things?  Do I need to return most of my registry?  How expensive is this going to be, supply-wise?  Cause I looked up those bottles: $34 a piece!  I was hoping not to have to pay for formula, but now I might.  What are my chances of breast feeding?  I'll have to pump, but I can't afford a good pump.  The last time I bought a hand held manual pump, I ran out of milk in 3 months.  All the normal items you can find on any googled "question list", I have those questions, all of them!

That left me with all the non-medical related jumble that no one could give me the answers to.  The mess that was left, that only I could sort out.  By sort out I mean, I probably will never have the answers I want, so how do I begin to deal with them and accept filing them into the "let it go/forget about it" pile.  First, acknowledge as many of the questions as you can identify (preferably getting through all of them without breaking down into tears after the very first one). 

So, here goes-- bear with me:
What did I do wrong?  I told everyone I didn't want anymore kids, but I secretly did, still do, I think.  Would this happen again?  What am I going to do?  Will I be up all night feeding?  Will it take hours to feed him one bottle?  I have visions of a struggling mom trying to squeeze bottles of milk into a frustrated, hungry, crying baby's wide open mouth.  What if I cant figure out how to do it?  What if I cant find the patience I am going to desperately need, on no sleep?  I can only imagine an unhealthy, under-nourished baby, spitting up constantly.  Me, not getting it right and A LOT of tears and frustration from both parties.  What if when they hand him to me and I can't hold him?  What if I am scared to look at him?  What if I think he is ugly?  Everyone will see him like this.  What will they say behind my back?  What will they think?  I don't even know how this happened.  How can I begin to explain this to anyone?  How will I tell people?  I want people to know before they see him.  I don't want people just staring at him and not saying anything out of shock.  What will I tell Addison?  How can a 3 year old comprehend this?  She'll say child-like, innocent statements or questions about how his face looks and I wont know what to say.  What will he think one day...?  Will he judge me, hate me, forgive me, understand?  Will he get teased?  What will it look like when they fix it?  I know the scar will be there, always.  Will he be unhappy one day, because of everything he had to endure?

The surgeries, the pain, the worry?  No one in my family has ever had surgery-- EXCEPT, my father, my dead-from-an-allergic-reaction-to-anesthesia-father-- OH GOD PLEASE NO!  And I cry.  I cant do this!  The waiting in a quiet hospital holding room to think for hours if there were any genetic complications.  No one can tell me, its just a routine surgery and expect that to take my fear away.  I imagine I kissed my daddy that day, if I was lucky, and got an "I'll see you later" for his routine surgery.  My fears are all still flooding with emotion.  I want this baby, this very baby-- just the way he is.  I know there is so much that goes with it, but I fought for this baby.  This was my child.  The one I begged for night and day, with every cycle come and gone.  The one I tried so hard for,  I almost lost sight of the love of my life, right there next to me, trying with me, for me.  The little egg I thought I was going to lose for the first 13 weeks.  The one I cried to hold onto, after losing the last few.  I want him to look different, for his sake, to spare him.  For my sake.  I cry and beg to feel differently about all this, but I don't.  I love him, I want him, but I am so afraid to reject him, to lose him.  I am afraid to think he is anything less the beautiful and perfect.  I dreamed of a flawless baby and right there in the very center of his face-- where it all comes together, that the world will notice-- is a deformity.  I am drained, exhausted from thinking.  I am afraid.

The day my life changed...

My life changed today, for the better, I just didn't know it yet.  I've written this a hundred times over in my head trying to make it sound good; trying to find the words to express myself without sounding erratic.  There just are no words sometimes, or not enough, to do the love that I feel for my baby justice, or emphasize my love through all the raw emotions I felt today.  Deep down behind all the feelings, second guessing, and questions: I loved him, I always have, I wanted to love him no matter what, and I know I did, but...

It's an age old tale of wanting to go back in time and change something, but yet you know you would not give up that amazing little baby for anything.  You are thankful for the blessing and love that came into your life that very day you finally saw a positive pregnancy test.  Thankful for everything that has gone right so far, that could have easily been so much worse.  Yet, you cant help but wish it was different.  You know that you are a better person for what happened, that this little miracle changed your life for good.  You are overwhelmed with the feeling of still being a terrible person inside: wanting more, wanting better, just wanting him to be the perfect little baby you dreamed of; He's not.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, just the way he is, but the shock of it all causes a great deal of internal conflict and uncontrollable raw emotion.

My phone was ringing, but I was at work.  I was busy.  It was lunch rush and I reached down to silence the ringer, and could feel the lump in my stomach move into my throat.  I worked on, but I had seen who's number it was and I knew.  I knew that very second I saw the doctor's phone number that this was it.  This was the phone call to tell me something I did not want to hear.  I ignored the panic. I squished the unsettling feeling that the doctor only calls when something is wrong.  I breathed and worked.  I thought back on how I had convinced myself since last Friday that I had imagined the ultrasound tech's strange behavior and "non-chalant" digging with her wand and sticky gel in my pelvis area til I was sore.  I told Bryan that she made me feel uncomfortable, but I told myself it was just my overactive imagination combined with all my worries I have had since day one.  I tried to think of the letters Bryan had said she kept typing around the babies face: CL she kept writing.  I didn't know what that was, it angered me that they wrote simple things in such abbreviations that I couldn't decipher it.  I had decided Friday that I was calling on Monday to make sure everything was ok.  Monday came and went, and I heard nothing.  I sighed in relief then, that it was in fact, all in my head.  This was it though, the phone call I waited for yesterday.  I was sick to my stomach as I thought and worked.  I just knew it, this whole time, my gut feeling and instincts that I have never once felt in my life before this pregnancy, were all right.  I knew things that made me feel crazy.  I knew things that I couldn't prove with facts yet.  As a prepared to call the doctor back, tears rushed to my eyes.  I held them back.  I couldn't cry yet.  Something was coming.  I didn't know what, but it was coming.  And I couldn't cry yet, because I didn't know what to cry about.

I sat on the steps out back, behind the dumpster and calmly tapped the call back button.  I waited while the secretary got my doctor.  My doctor was beautiful and nice.  I remembered seeing her exactly 7 days ago at this time.  She smiled from ear to ear that day and talked to me without looking at my chart.  She knew exactly who I was.  I remembered her telling me that she liked my visits, as I never had any complaints.  Oh, I had complaints, but telling a doctor that I am tired and sore, to me, is just silly because they can't do anything about it.  My laziness is not a medical condition.  I waited on the phone to hear her voice again, I knew whatever she had to say would be in her kind reassuring voice.  There were days she told me everything measured perfect that I left the office on the phone with my best friend Sara, telling her, There is no way this girl knows what she is talking about! I'm huge! If this measures perfect on the outside, then I know for sure this baby is curled up in there 5 times!  The doctor said everything so nicely though, I couldn't argue with her.

I waited... after the secretary said the doctor was in an appointment.  They could have called me back, but I wanted to wait.  The "calming" elevator music played in the background of my thoughts, and I held my breath as tears streamed down my face.  Scenarios played in my head, making my tears fall faster.  I exhaled, It must be bad because I am waiting for a doctor to tell me.  My brain reeled, I'm going to lose my baby! I was so close to holding him!  How can this be happening!?  I waited... and waited, for somewhere between an eternity and 25 minutes.  I should have had them call me back, but I was already on the phone, I was ready.  I was afraid if they called me back, I wouldn't want to answer. 

Then I heard her sweet voice, filled with concern, "Shannon?"
Yes.  Oh I inhaled and held my breath, cause this was it...
The ultrasound on Friday came back abnormal.
Oh God, Please give me strength!
Do you have any family history of deformities?
I exhaled, "No", and inhaled.  Hold breath! Oh God, please no, no no!  A new flood of tears was streaming down my face now, cold and wet.  I closed my eyes.
The tech believes she saw a cleft on the babies lip.  It's very common.  She rushed the last sentence out to make sure I knew. And fixable. 
Tears just kept coming as I silently called out for help, barely hearing the doctor.  Please, please, please, no.  Why me? 
The doctor filled the silence with reassurance, but it didn't matter what she said, because I wasn't hearing up from down. She mentioned things like, it was nothing you did wrong.  It's something that just happens sometimes.  It happens in the first few weeks of pregnancy.  It's very common.  It's fixable.  We want to send you to another ultrasound at Magee, just to confirm the cleft and to make sure there aren't any other abnormalities.
More tears came in waves, as the sobbing I was holding inside became painful in my chest.  Oh God! Abnormalities!  Please God not me!
Do you have any questions?
"No, thank you." Thank you!  Who says thank you!

I calmly said yes to the first available appointment.  All I knew is that it seemed forever away, 3 appointments back to back, at two different hospitals an hour away.  One appointment was with the craniofacial team.  A whole team of people for my one little baby's face, OH GOD, his face!  Right on his face.  My baby is deformed right were everyone can see it!!  I just burst into uncontrollable sobbing.  I took a moment to just let everything out, all the anxiety I had been holding in.  I finally could breath and I cried.  I cried hard and loud, letting out all the pain I had trapped in my chest.  I looked up thru the tears, praying for someone to answer me, to tell me this wasn't happening.  I let so much out, yet there was still so much pain left as my body settled back to a quiet stream of tears. 
I heard the metal hinge of the back door opening.  I quickly wiped away my tears.  My boss looked at me and shut the door.  A second later, and another deep breath, I went back to work.  It was only 2pm, and the world was still moving on around me.

My plan: Hide for 3 hours.  I want to go home!  I want Bryan! The thought of having to tell him, wrenched at my stomach and made me sick, but I wanted to go home so bad!  I just wanted to tell him, and cry uncontrollably for as long as I wanted.  To cry without the pressure of having to compose myself, without the judgement of others staring at me.  But I couldn't run, so I held my breath and washed the dishes. 

My boss came back to get something.  I could see in his demeanor that he didn't know what to say, so he made a little work joke.  I wanted to tell him.  I wanted to tell someone.  I had no words.  I didn't know how to say it, so I said nothing.  I half heartedly smiled back, a thank you for trying to make me laugh smile.  I had to go back out front.  Everyone was going to see my swollen face and my red puffy eyes.  I am sure it had gone down a little, but I wasn't ready to face anyone.  I wasn't ready to smile and pretend nothing was wrong.  I don't know what I thought about for those long 3 hours, but I remember thinking it every once in awhile, as I fought back the wall of tears just beneath the surface.  I know in desperation for some encouragement, I texted Bryan.  I have no idea what I wrote, but I told him.  I typed it.  I typed about our baby-- our baby boy, the one I almost lost hope in ever having, especially a sweet baby boy-- had a cleft lip.  It pained me to type it, pulled at my heart to tell Bryan the boy he wanted badly, had a cleft lip and who knew what else.  I knew that anyone who looked at me in those 3 hours, could see the pure agony in my heart with just one look into my eyes.

At 5, I ran, walked fast, out the door with intent.  A 5 minute drive home to Bryan, far away from trying desperately to keep it together.  I put the keys in the ignition and speed dialed the first person in my phone, my mom, and drove.  I heard her voice and burst, burst at the seams and just poured out tears and no words.  I cried for things in that moment that I didn't even know about or understand.
Are you ok?
Yes.
Is everyone ok?
Yes.
Is the baby ok?
...sorta. He's ok... he's ok.  I caught up a little with those words.  He was ok.  My baby was ok!  I was more or less telling MYSELF that he was ok.  No matter what my fears were, he was ok.  He was going to be ok.
I cried, he has a cleft lip. 
The words left my mouth, I said it out loud and I cried harder.  I drove and I cried, and she just let me cry it all out, all of it.  The pain, the fear, the questions, the guilt. 
It's ok, Shannon.  They can fix it.  Doctor's are so good these days, they can fix anything.  You wont even notice when they are done.
Yes I know, yes I know, but...
There were so many buts.  But his palate, the speech problems, the surgeries, the ear tubes.  There was so much I verbalized; Yet, so much I didn't.  The teasing, the being different.  It's a deformity!  It's on his FACE!  My heart just flooded with pain on that ride.  By baby, my poor baby.
You know you didn't do anything wrong. 
Yes I know, yes I know,  but...
I know, I knew.  I said these things, but I was no where near believing any of it.  I let the reassurance come, but I didn't believe.
This could happen to anyone.  It'll be fine.  You and Bryan are great parents.  Everything happens for a reason and it's because you two are amazing parents.  If anyone can handle it, it's you.  He is going to be beautiful Shannon, and we are going to love him. 
I know, yes I know...
That's what I needed to hear.  He was already loved.  I needed to know that he was loved.  That everyone was going to love him, no matter what.  I knew my family would accept him, but I needed to hear that he was so loved, unconditionally.  The reassurance kept coming and the sobbing slowed down as my car slowed to park in front of the house.  It would be ok.  I was at my front door.

I collapsed on the couch with Bryan who was googling away: all the information, who a craniofacial team was... and the pictures.  I was out of tears by then.  Everything was so overwhelmingly scary.  I had so many questions, so many fears.  I don't know how Bryan felt, what he thought, but I remember looking at him and thinking he loved this baby, unconditionally, just as much as he loved him yesterday.  He googled away in complete optimism, and I loved for a little while thru him.

And then came the horror of more realizations.  My gorgeous 3 year old daughter came over and saw the picture of a precious baby, lip wide open, and in the innocent honesty of a child, let out a big, EWWW!  I wanted to cry again, but I just couldn't in front of her.  I just couldn't let her think I was crying because of her or her baby brother.  My insides twisted in knots, How am I going to do this?  How am I going to be strong for this little girl to meet her baby brother, when I didn't even know how I felt first!? I was terrified that Addison wouldn't like him.  That she would again say 'eww' when she sees his little face that looks like that.  How would I tell her it wasn't ugly, if I couldn't tell myself it wasn't going to be ugly??

I thought a hot bath would relax me, make me feel a little bit better.  I leaned my head on my arms over the tub and sobbed quietly.  I whispered, "I'm sorry baby" as I stared down at my bare belly.  Guilt rushed over me, as tears streamed, and I just kept saying I'm sorry, over and over again.  I didn't know how, I never would, but I was sorry because he was in my body, it was my responsibility to grow him, to love him, to protect him, and I somehow was failing him.  He couldn't do this on his own, he needed me, and I failed.  I cried more, cried out in agony, alone, just him and I.

I fell asleep, my eyes swollen shut and my pillow a little damp, with a very heavy heart.  I stared at the bottle of chemical filled hair shampoo I had been using those first 4 weeks I was pregnant.  Thought about all the stuff I may have done those first few weeks my babies face was trying to form.  I just kept telling myself, there was no way I could have known.  And when I woke up to go back to work, I cried the whole way there.  I couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't stop wishing my baby didn't have to go thru this.  I texted my friend on that drive (she has a retarded brother) and begged her to tell me I was being shallow and stupid.  That this wasn't the worst thing in the world.  I needed to hear it from someone who lived it and knew it was ok.  I needed someone to tell me to shut up and get it together.  And with the encouragement of a honest friend I could believe, I wiped my eyes and worked.  This was going to be a one step at a time kinda thing...

IdleWild Park... the carnival that never left town.

Addison's BiG jUne BiRtHdaY!  You say what's today Addison??  And she says,  "My June birthday!"  And then you say, when is mommy's birthday and she says, "Friday!" (this year in April, lol, my birthday happened to fall on a Friday. So now my birthday is Friday and her's is June.)

Every year we go somewhere for her birthday, actually on her birthday.  Last year we went to the zoo, which is what we were going to do again.  Instead... I was googling activities, places, anything really that was somewhere between my mother (4 hours away) and here.  Not necessarily for the big 3rd birthday, but just to meet up sometimes.  I came across, drum roll please, Award winning IdleWild Park.  Picturesque views, rides, fun, water park, and not too expensive, as you can bring your own food and picnic in the park!  Now, back to reality... it was not award winning nor amazing.  We essentially paid $210 dollars (in tickets for 7 people) for Addison to have fun.  Yes, and that part was worth it.

I painted those cute little toe nails fushia pink the other day.  She walked around for hours on her heels, toes in the air, trying not to mess them up!

For the rest of us, there were no big kid rides and it was inconveniently drizzling.  I think that was my biggest letdown for the day, I was looking forward to the water park!  I also forgot about how pregnant I was to be walking across a huge park all day, oops.

But goodness, I do love to see that giant smile on her face!  Just watching her soak in all the attention on her big day!

She made Bryan ride this at least 6 times before my mom and Terry showed up!

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY ADDISON!!

Family Vacation Time.

We went on our first family vacation this year, as just the three of us.  Normally, we have my cousin Andrew and my sister Kendra with us.  To top it off, we went on a mini camping trip!  With an almost 3 year old, I thought it might have ended in disaster. haha.  Addison had the best time ever though!! 

There was a playground across from our cabin and a huge field.  The first thing she wanted to do was run over there.  It was nice because we could just let her run like crazy and not worry about too much.

Lots of campfires for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  She did a good job of staying away from the fire even though Daddy was playing in it.  Haha, she also did NOT like the idea of smores.  She would get upset and cry, because she wanted to just eat the chocolate bar, but we kept melting it on the graham cracker and marshmellow.

I found these amazing wrist bands when I was shopping for camping equitment.  They are bug repellent bands.  They worked out wonderfully because I was worried about spraying her in the face with actual spray.

The best part about everything was the location. 

We are a beach vacationing family, and moving out to Pittsburgh, we are now 7 hours from the actual beach.  Laurel Hill State Park is about an hour away from my house and they have a 1,500 ft imported sand beach around their lake.  It will be nice to take the new baby here next year because a lake has no waves like the ocean does.

Overall, it was a wonderful time!!

A little more catch up...

2nd order of business: My mom is in town!!
My mother came to visit for a few days earlier this week.  She arrived on Sunday night after work.  (It's a 4 hour drive for her.)  This anticipated event caused a massive cleaning frenzy!  We have lived in this rented house for a year now, but 75 % of our stuff is still in storage.  You would think that the house with only 25% in it would be easier to clean (or look empty).  Ha ha, wrong!  Part of the problem is our new rental is about HALF the size of our old house.  This makes finding a place for everything very difficult. 

Step one in this process is organization; My mom tried to help me organize things as much as possible.  We went shopping at Ikea (which could be a blog with in itself!)  The top of our purchase list was a large shelving unit for in the kitchen. We only have 4 sets of cabinets in the kitchen.  For this reason, I hate going in the kitchen, actually I loathe it.  The "food" cabinet is so jam packed, a lot of it has to be removed when trying to find something in the back.  Plus it is impossible to prepare anything on the counter.  Between the extra foods, dirty dishes and appliances, there is no counter.  We also found a tall and thin bathroom cabinet to keep bath toys, extras and showering needs, since our shower has no room to keep even one bottle of shampoo.  For fun, we purchased all sorts of hang-able cups, a magazine rack, and supplies to create Addison a drawing nook around her art table.  There was also a few items purchased that were not on the shopping list, but that always happens!

Over all, I think we got enough supplies to at least try and keep the house orderly and to create space to put the unopened pile of boxes still in my dining room.  I love my mother!  She has helped me so much in the 4 days she was here. (And of course, the past 3 years, and my whole life...)  It also melts my heart how after long periods of time away from grandma, Addison is overly excited when she sees her.  But breaks my heart when Addison goes an hour without seeing her and says, "oh no! Have you seen my grandma?  If you see my grandma, say 'Grandma'.  I miss my grandma..." Awww, it's so sad to tell her grandma had to go home. 

I wish we lived closer to my mom. (And my sister, who is in the Navy now.)  And I am sorry I moved so far away, but I thought it was best for my family to make the move and the change. In my pregnant and emotional state I better go before I shed tears! (Ha, This happens all too much lately!)

Hecitc times, always ending in... not enough time.

There is a lot to do these days and never enough time to do anything.  Unfortunately that means blogging is always pushed to the back burner.  This upsets me, as I truely blog for myself, my memories, and details or moments I am sure to forget within the years to come. So let's play a little catch up...

First order of business:  The Ultrasound!!!
Sooo amazing everytime!  No matter how many times you see your baby, whether they are a little fuzzy dot or a minature baby in the midst of forming, it is an incredible experience.  I impatiently got an ultrasound 3 weeks early from one of those non-doctor related places as my birthday/ Mother's Day gift from my husband.  The place was spectacular inside.  Each room had an almost 12 foot projector screen on the wall so that the whole room can see every detail of the womb.  The rooms also had a bathroom, a kitchnette, and two full sized sofas that you could bring up to 8 people with you. (Very comfy cozy atmosphere!)  Of course, I only brought Bryan, Addison and myself.  The tech was extremely comfortable with the process, I am almost sure she spent a lot of time in doctor's offices before she opened her own business. 
It was one of those moments though, that you just couldn't take your eyes from the large screen on that wall as she showed you the heartbeat and chased after the baby moving around to try and keep a good view.  She followed his profile, to his spine, his butt was up and over his head (where we could see that he was infact our baby boy!!!), and then his legs bend down til his knee almost touched his nose, and his foot almost made a complete circle back to the top of his head.  (Just spinning in circles in my belly!!)  The last thing we saw when he was bringing his knee down to his nose was a really big yawn as he tilted his head back.  The cutest thing I have ever seen!

Immediately we headed to Babies R Us.  haha.  I bought one little pajama outfit with a bib that says "Handsome just like Daddy".  And then just spent an hour walking around, relishing in the moment, and chit-chatting about baby boy stuff.  It was definitely a wonderful family afternoon.

Oh and I did tell everyone it was a boy!  Once I knew for sure, I just couldn't keep all that excitement to myself!!  (Also I knew that no one was going to be disappointed with a boy result, which was my worry with a maybe girl result.) 

One the way home as Bryan and I were talking, he mentioned that he was happy with a girl and boy now (a little happy, like he won a million dollar lottery!)  That, he would be content with a happy little family of 4, unless we decided later on down the road to have another, but that if we didnt that was ok too.  I think I know what he was trying to say, but all I heard was "Yay we are so lucky!  We will have a boy and a girl, and then maybe if we decide to, having another one isnt out of the question."

I am ECSTATIC with my life right now!  I have waited along time for this, and it was perfect timing (even though I had been wishing for it awhile back.)

It's a...

Boy!!!

My inner gut- motherly- instinct- feeling or something like that...

I am back sooner than expected.  No, it is not Wednesday.  I just forgot one important thought.  My insides and my feelings are telling me I will be having a boy.  I just wanted to document this to see how much I should trust my gut in the future... (I have never had or listened to my instincts before, but something is just, unnaturally, pulling me towards boy).

Less then 48 hours and counting...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at promptly 11a.m... I find out if my little bundle is a boy or a girl.  Though I find out that day, I am debating in my head over whether I want to tell anyone or not.  Sigh.  There is a lot of anticipation waiting on this moment and everyone is weighing in their guesses and their wants.  What everyone fails to remember is that no one has a choice in the matter.  My little baby will be just as stubborn as me, and will be whatever/whoever they want and there is nothing anyone can do about it. 

I, on the other hand, don't even know if I have a solid opinion on the matter.  I would like a boy, but just for everyone else (esp. my husband- he would love a boy to play sports with).  I don't want anyone to be heartbroken or even remotely sad if we find out it's not a boy.  I would also like a girl for myself.  (Ideally I would like a girl and a boy total)  I feel as if I have a boy, that will be all I have: 1 boy and 1 girl.  I am not ready to make that decision.  I am not ready to close the door on whether that will be all the children I have.  I feel like if it is a boy, then I might not have a choice, that I would be done.  BUT, maybe if it's a girl, I might have a choice later on to maybe go for that boy.  This plan also does not guarantee any boys, so maybe its just safer to have the boy now, if that's an option :)

Other than the normal will it be a boy or girl questions, I am also extremely nervous.  I have not seen the baby since roughly 6 weeks.  After miscarriages, certainty is never taken for granted.  I am so scared that they will tell me there is something wrong when I go.  I don't know how possible it is for a miscarriage after 17 weeks.  My husband keeps saying everything will be fine.  I am just looking forward to having this baby, I don't want any bad news.  I want so badly to see my baby moving around and know, no matter what sex, my bundle is alive and will be joining my family in October!  Soooo... I'll be back Wednesday.

"Mommy can you hear that? ... HOOT HOOT!"

For the past year our little family of three has been crammed in one bedroom and sharing our rented house with either a friend or family.  With unexpected recent events in the past few months, we are just down to the three of us.  Meaning... Addison gets her very own room again.  (More importantly, Mommy and Daddy get their very own adult space back!)  After deciding on a theme for a 3 year old, soon-to-be shared with new baby, bedroom; We went shopping at Target last night for accessories.  We actually went for a little bookcase, bed sheets, and a dry erase board, but found the perfect accessories for an owl/nature themed bedroom.

The new sheets.  AND... pillows, comforter, and wall decals.

 AND lamp, carpet, more decals.  We might have purchased a lot more then we intended too, but after the past year, we all deserve it.  Luckily, her toy boxes/drawers, a little rocking chair and other accessories also still match right in.  Our plan is whether our new addition is a boy or girl, owls/nature can be very neutral.  They have a cute nursery bedding with owls and trees in blue/green for a little boy.  And then we would just add a little more blue and green owls and elements in the room to balance everything out.  Or if you have another girl, then we can get the same pink/light green owl bedding.

Either way, Addison loves it so far.  She slept in her big girl bed all night long without any fuss. (Which surprises me, because she would barely sleep in the bunk bed before; Always falling asleep in my bed and having to move her to her own bed later.)  I did keep the lamp on all night long, just in case. 

When everything was set up last night and ready for her to go to sleep, she puts her ear up to the open window and says, "Mommy, you hear that?  ...Hoot Hoot!  It's a owl!!"

Now Mommy needs her own big girl room and accessories...

Sunshine, Dresses and Flowers!

I have been subconsciously awaiting for the warm weather and sunshine, simply to dress my baby in dresses, skirts, and those cute little crocs.  I cant wait for swimming, tubing and lots of outdoor fun.  It's been a long winter, couped up inside with so much pent up energy.

We got to go for a long walk this evening. To the river. To the park. And I finally have something to take pictures of with my camera (D90) I got for Christmas!!

The summer is my favorite time.  It almost always ends in a tired baby, ready for bed.

Next stop the college fountain... last years favorite hot shot to cool off.

Lost words from the heart...

I never forget the amazing things I have in my life.  In the back of my mind I know I am lucky, but sometimes always I do not express or tell the people around me how blessed I am to have them.  My husband suffers the most from my stubborn-ness.  I am the definition of stubborn, in my actions, my feelings, and my expressions.  I say I love you, just as my mother used to tell me daily that she loved me, but I rarely saw or felt it.  And it breaks my heart to think that the people that mean the most to me might not truly know I actually do love them and appreciate them.

My daughter.  She is almost 3 and a huge handful these days.  There is not one thing she can not and will not get into.  She is supposed to explore and learn.  I am supposed to teach her.  Yet, I find myself always yelling at her about everything.  What is she learning from me?  The same things I have learned from my mother?  To yell.  To fear.  To love inside and not express it.  To frown more then I smile.  I don't want that for her.  I want her to laugh and remember her childhood as joyous, nurturing, and loving.  I want her to grow up a strong individual who looks back and admires her mother. 

My husband.  I love him more then life itself.  And I know that he doesnt know this.  There are numerous days I sit at home without him and I miss him.  All I want to do in that alone time is hug him, kiss him, and tell him how important he is to me.  I cant even fully express in words, if I wanted to, everything I love about him.  Yes, he drives me nuts.  I think he makes some poor decisions sometimes, and could think things through a little more.  Mostly though, I wish he would listen to my wants and needs... but if I have to be honest, I also know that I make these requests difficult when I myself don't express them.  At the end of the day, I get upset about something, anything, the smallest thing, and I don't tell him about my love.

If I could bring myself to tell him, I would say... He is incredible, simply, in a nut shell, incredible.  He is the most understanding, devotional, giving, and loving person I have ever met.  Mostly, he deals with me.  He accepts my stubborn-ness.  He smiles and laughs at my anger.  He gives me anything and everything I ask for, even when I scream my demands at him.  He makes me feel.  I feel loved, I feel safe, I feel unconditional.  That no matter what I do, say, or don't do and say, he will always be there.  I have never felt like that from anyone or anywhere before.  I always knew what it should feel like, because I have felt it towards others, an unconditional and giving love.  For the first time though, I feel like I am loved like that.  Its amazing. 

At the end of the day, I want to learn to be a better person.  I want to smile, laugh, and love.  I am sick of frowning, of being angry, of focusing more on the bad then the good... I am sick of being stubborn!  Why cant I bring myself to tell people why I love them?  I need to smile at them, laugh with them, and just be able to say, "I appreciate you with all my heart."  I want to let go of the negative and the petty situations that always set off my anger.  I am happy, don't get me wrong, I just cant figure out how to let my happiness show and express itself.  I just don't know how...

I do love you... with everything I am.

Some relief and a lot of happiness

Today is 13 weeks and 6 days!!! I am 99.9% ecstatic, but still a little worried. I don't think the worry of perhaps something going wrong will ever go away, until my beautiful baby is finally here on October 6th(or whenever the baby decides to show). I would also think that with the cyst, I would have more ultrasounds to check on it. The doctor has not suggested I get another one though. I will definitely be asking about it at my next appointment.

Yesterday morning my little girl kept continuously asking, "what's in your tummy mommy. What's in your tummy? Your belly button?" haha. I thought it was adorable. If you ask her if she wants a baby sister or brother, sometimes she picks one (mostly choosing sister), sometimes she just says no, or once she told me a baby whale. Haha, I have no idea where she came up with that one. She also names the baby Li-a-pee (Calliope) for a girl and Colby for a boy. Colby is the name of our friend's girl dog that bit her once, who she just loves despite their confrontations. Everything she says is just too cute or funny these days. I can't wait til she meets this new baby.

I'm just happy my brain is finally telling my heart I can express all my excitement and stop supressing it!!!

New baby..

So I am definitely pregnant.  All I want to be is happy, but this pregnancy is not without its ups and downs (mostly downs.)  To make a long story short, I've already had 2 miscarriages in the last year, so finding out I am pregnant again brings feelings of disappointment and dread long before happiness.  Dont get me wrong the happiness is there somewhere wanting to come out, but most of your other feelings squash it in preparing for the worst. 
To start with they thought the baby was in one of my tubes due to the swelling in my uterus, the excruciating stabbing pains in my lower stomach, and the severe tenderness on the right side of my stomach.  First ultrasound at 5w3d, shows nothing (so they tell me), but confirms the mass amount of swelling in my uterus.  Second ultrasound at 6w5d, shows that the baby is in my uterus where it belongs! Thank Goodness!!  I had a follow-up appointment at 9weeks, where they informed me that everything did in fact look good.  That the swelling seems to have gone down a bit; the baby, yes, is safely planted in my uterus; oh, and even that huge 9 cm cyst the size of a large grapefruit is now gone in the second ultrasound!?!?!  The one that apparently no one bothered to tell me about in the last month?!  That's great, well at least it's gone. That was probably the cause of all the swelling, discomfort, and pain that I have been worried about for the last month.
Then the doctor calls me the next morning to tell me they were actually wrong, the cyst was still there in the second ultrasound, the tech forgot to report it because she didn't know that's what they were looking for; BUT... it has shrunk to 7 cm, the size of a smaller GRAPEFRUIT!?!?