Radiating Sunshine to chase away storm clouds...

Im coming down off of a sunshine high this morning.  My eyes blinked open, I stretched, careful not to knock the baby in the head with an elbow, and said good morning bright eyed and bushy tailed in my head.  The sun was still shining!  The sun and warmth makes my soul dance.  And it certainly helps that I have had alomst two days off from work, almost two days with Bryan and the kids-- all together-- this rarely happens.  When it does, it always ends too soon.  Not today though!  Today I look back on the past few days and I am grateful, content.  I feel like we lived, we loved, we laughed, we fought, of course, we played and yet got some things accomplished.  It was good. 

I am grateful for the moments of alone time I have gotten to spend with each one of my children lately.  Addison especially needs more of these times.  I am afraid sometimes she has gotten lost in the hustle and bustle of life in a family of 4.  She lacks no sunshine in her soul, that little girl can go from morning to night without taking a breath.  I could learn from that one, to soak in her sunshine on a rainy day.
And as I bask in the sun, I wait.  Because along with freakishly warm weather at the wrong times, it interupts mother nature, and we all know the thunderstorm is around the corner.  And as I type this, my sunshine high is rolling out with the storm clouds and quickly.  I sat down to type this 2 hours ago, and I am finally back, wiping the baby sweat from my cheek.  I have rocked and rocked a little baby to sleep and man does that baby sweat in his sleep-- radiates like my sunshine!  The storm has held off though.  It didn't come yesterday and it's still not here today.  So today we play again.  I savor in the moment longing to be a porch swinging southern girl in Savannah, sipping on my sun rippened sweet tea.  One day, One day!  Taking in every breath of warm air and tangling my toes in the rays of brilliant sun light.  Potting plants and waiting for paint to air dry.  Going for walks and taking plenty of pictures.  For this moment, this picture of a sweet little baby with a cleft lip and his 3 year old sister, will soon be over.  The thunderstorm will roll in and the next few weeks will get cold and dark again.  But spring is just around the corner and I will have an ear to ear smiling, chubby cheeked baby full of lips and no gums and his almost 4 year old sister.  Bringing with it the oppurtunity to soak in the sun and fall in love all over again.  I get to fall in love with a new smile that I am sure will warm my heart and make my soul dance more then my pedastooled sunshine.



Right now with gloom in the forecast, it feels like I am cheating on the seasons.  That we are not giving winter its justice this year.  But I am so happy for the summer breeze mid March.  My heart and soul needed this bit of pick me up, to carry me through the next few weeks.  These next two weeks will be rough ones.  I Have no idea what to expect.  People can give you all the advice in the world, and doctors can try to prepare you... but it all comes down to every child is different.  I have heard everything from they bounce back fast and eat well within a day, to its like having a newborn all over again for a few weeks.  Mama is getting teary minded already, in my brain, all my fears locked up and struggling with themselves, because mama dont cry where people can see her.  But I'm scared.  Scared about way too much to type.  I am beyond worried that he has been cleared by the hematologist.  It doesnt make me feel better that he doesnt have Von Willenbrands Syndrome, like we thought, but in my mind if he had a blood clotting disorder, they would treat him accordingly and all would be well.  Now, no, he doesnt have it, they go on with surgery as planned, and I fear more then before.  I know, I know, he doesnt have Von Willenbrands... not helping my fears.  I just keep telling myself I would still tremble in anticipation and anxiety no matter if the sun was shining bright, the clouds parted, and some higher being told me everything would be ok. Cause that is my little baby boy.  I dont want to let anyone cut him, poke him, or feel his painful breathes against my chest when they hand him back to me.  I just dont want to do this, but I know we have to.  Blah Blah Blah, the good times dont come without hard times.  And if they did we wont be able to see and appreciate the good.  I got it all, but I still dont to!

...And there goes the high...

So I turn my head to look at the bright shining light all over the yard, take a moment to listen to the birds chirping, lawn mowers buzzing, and that beautiful patch of fake white daisies Addison stuck straight in the middle of the yard and has been watering daily.  Those flowers transform my thoughts, as I smirk at little miss watering them.  Those flowers will never die.  Bright, beautiful and untouchable by bad weathered moments and changing seasons.  But I do want to take several moments a day too take in my gorgeous baby boys face, that will change very soon.  And I know I will miss that wide smile so much.  It scares me that I dont even know how much, but I know it is way more then I can even imagine.  I know my love will never die for him, no matter what he looks like.  But I am nervous, I have no idea what he willl look like.  They just keep telling me that I should prepare myself, because he will look so different.  I have a plan though, I will hold my hand over his mouth every once in awhile, to know he is mine, just till I get reaquainted with him.   Bahaha! No really it sounds ridiculous, but I have a feeling it might help alittle, to not focus on his lip, just to block it out for a moment and remember.  I'll let you know if I actually feel the need to try it, or if it works to easy my.. insert those feelings that I dont know what they will be yet?

For now, I think I will go stare at that gorgeous sleepy face with the cracked lip for a little, to take it in every chance I get this week.  Then run out side and try to bottle some more sunshine to save for the rainy days next week...  And this is how we have spent our sunshine these last few days....  savor in it, remember it...

Be better::

Friday Phone Dump

Friday Phone Dump:

We got to eat breakfast again with Daddy this week, while Addison was at Daycare.  I love the this little breakfast place by our house: The Chuckwagon.  They serve homemade breakfast cooked by your mom.  No, seriously the cooks and servers are a bunch of home-style country mama's.  In fact, my friend's mama works there and she is almost always our server.  She of course was cooing and awwing over our lil' man as that was the first time she had seen him besides pictures.  I mentioned to her that he just loves to giggle and laugh while her son holds him.  She said that children just loved her son, and that was a scary thought.  Scary is:: She doesn't know yet that he himself is a soon-to-be-daddy!!!  Oh, I know way too many secrets about too many people. haha.  

  In other news, I got myself this handy dandy sewing machine while we were out.  I promised Bryan that I planned on using it, as so many of my other hobbies come and go quickly, haha.  Hesitantly, he let me purchase it anyway.  I love that he believes in the moment with me.  I made this lovely Valentine's Day fabric tutu for Addison (which didn't even require the sewing machine) and then an apron with the left over fabric.  It wasn't the prettiest first attempt at sewing, but I sure did try.  I also didn't need much bravery to go for it, because I didn't think the 3 year old would make fun of my first project.  And in true loves fashion we lied to each other::  I said yes when she asked if I made it because she was a good cook, and she just loved it, even if it wasn't the best sewing work.  She said, "Good job mommy!"  and I was proud of myself!

The maid of honor and my own realizations...

I have this friend.  She is not what I would choose for my best freind.  She is loud, abnoxious, out spoken, dramatic...  I have known her since freshman year in highschool and we hung out a lot back then, cause we were bad.  (If my children ever find this, by bad I mean angelic).  I am publicly quiet, shy perhaps, definitely reserved in my old age, and she is still tell them how it is in your drunk voice so everyone can hear you in a 5 mile radius kinda girl.  That mama has public I don't care what you think sass.  I have since bottled my sass from public viewing.  As most stories go, kids grow up, one friend goes to college, the other moves to Colorado and you lose touch.  Then one day friend randomly calls you 5 years later straight up bitching and chit chatting like you talk to her everyday, And says, "O.M.G I have to tell you something!!  I am back from Colorado, like moved back for good and..." I interrupt, "And you're pregnant."

HAHAHA! (this is my favorite Sara story, OK, one of my favorite that doesn't involve us being bad, angelic.)  She confusingly says "Yes?!" in a how-do-you-know voice.  And I say, "Cause I am too." 

Weird.  So friends lean on each other throughout pregnancy, have babies two weeks apart.  Babies are the strongest bonding tool in the world!  Forcing mamas to always bitch about the headaches, lack of sleep, and chit chatting about the "Look what my baby started doing!" and "Is my baby behind, can yours do that?"  Sharing, Crying, and Laughter.  More babies.  She is my very best friend, publicly crude and all.  (I am just used to the public crazy at this point.)  And now she is getting married!!!!  And I have the privilege of standing right beside her as her Maid-of-honor!  (Then, before our kids are teenagers, we will have to lose touch again, cause if I know us, our kids are NOT allowed to be bad together!  Just kidding, maybe...)

In light of all the excitement, the flowers, the dresses.  Yes, I am swooning in my imaginary and very fancy dress already.  I realized something.  I don't want a wedding.

We have discussed all the usual wedding plans, jump in excitement over ideas, imagined little flower girls, and a tiny baby boy in a big boy tux holding a ring bearer pillow (Oh, my little baby boy will be the CUTEST ring bearer!)  And then she has bitched and bitched about her family and her sisters selfishly setting aside their bridesmaid duties, saying they have other weddings and not enough money for all this.  REALLY!?  This is YOUR sister's wedding, not your friends!  Well I will jump up and down, and advocate the eff out of her day for her, and all of us.  I am that excited for her! Somewhere in their I think she decided (and good for her!) that all the stress wasn't worth it, if not everyone was going to stand up and support her.  She causally mentioned maybe running away and getting married.  And I said, "O.M.G! Let's go girl!!! I will follow you anywhere and I am the only one that matters!!!"

That's what I want to do.  I don't what to pay for everyone else to eat and dance.  I don't want to be in debt up to my eye balls trying to impress everyone else on my day.  Plus I already have kids, I cant be spending all my money on myself.  If I do have some money I want a sweet honeymoon for my selfish self.  Seeing all this stress unfold over something that should be nothing but joyous and ecstatically unreal happy for my very best friend in the whole wide world, made me realize that... A) I am an awesome friend.  I would follow this bitch anywhere she wanted to get married, because she thinks I am that cool to be in her wedding party and that is something a person should be flattered by. (And I ain't even her sister. I roll my eyes in their general direction.)  B) This is your special, meaningful day.  I am not paying to feed and impress the world.  MAMA IS GETTING MARRIED IN TAHITI!!  One day...

If you give an Addison a cookie...

I have a little girl that lives and breathes for chocolate, not her mama's style.  I would rather eat a grandma's home cooked pot roast and mashed potatoes any day.  We are talking anything chocolate too: candies, cakes, chocolate milk, cookies, even those cream filled chocolate cakes I despise so much.  Tonight, I had a craving for anything chocolate.  You know, that craving where you finally get what you were dreaming of all day, take one bite, and... eh, that's not what you wanted at all.  So we sent daddy out in the blizzard for Oreo cookies. 

 And I had the happiest little girl in the whole world, running around with a bathing suit on in the middle of a snow storm eating chocolate "open cookies" and learning the art of soaking them in chocolate milk.  Heaven forbid we use "white milk"!  Of course I had two, but then just sat back and enjoyed watching her in all her glory.  Then she wanted to drink a glass of milk...

Of course then she needed a bath, to her resistance.  The suggestion was responded by enormous screams of NO! that we were NOT done eating our open cookies. Instead of just a regular bath we agreed to stay in our bathing suits so we could go for a BEACH BATH!!!

If she had to have a bath, then so did the baby brother...  She loves to fill his bath tub up and help.  I often even get a resounding, "Geez mom you forgot under his arm!"  As she rolls her eyes and washes him again for the 5th time.

This made mommy want to pull out the camera any take pictures of that cute little naked butt!

Then everyone was sleepy, so we all laid down and had sweet dreams.  And I am sure she will wake up in the morning, and realize she is hungry; remember we have cookies, and ask for another one...
But that's another day.

Life with no gallbladder...

Its been three months since gallbladder surgery, and as I write this my stomach has been hurting for the last few hours. Ugh!  But don't worry its just phantom pain. Awesome!  I can still feel it!!!  I didn't know a single thing about gall bladders going into surgery.  I was in excruciating pain (Worse then childbirth without an epidural or equal, I'm not sure-- It was pain!)  They said it was my gall bladder and that it had to come out.  I asked if it HAD to come out.  They told me this pain would just keep happening every time a stone escaped my gall bladder, that next time this could be worse.  At one point they were sure the gall stone had escaped my gall bladder and lodged itself in my liver duct.  My liver enzymes and test all came back very low, they told me I could start turning a yellowy color eventually.  I was scared of the surgery for obvious reasons (If your new, my dad died from an allergic reaction to anesthesia.  It's cool, I was 5, I don't remember much).  It never crossed my mind what life without a gall bladder would be like.

Well let me tell you...

Life without a gall bladder is PAINFUL!  I may have second guessed their professional opinions if I knew anything about this-- which is still nothing.  I do know that I can't eat.  It hurts.  When I was discharged from the hospital I was given NO diet restrictions and no lifestyle changing advice; except once.  A discharging nurse told me that my doctor did not recommend any diet restrictions, but that she personally would try to keep it low fat for awhile.  And oh my, was this women a genius!  I can't eat anything with fat, or fried.  I have gone down the list of pain inducers and isolated many things.  Every time I was onto something, I was wrong.  No wings, no french fries, no dressings, no mayo, no cheese, absolutely nothing spicy, and butter is my mortal enemy.  My stomach hurts, literally within 5 minutes if I eat the wrong thing-- anything from uncomfortable to doubled over.  If I ingested the forbidden butter:: Unbearable!

I tried googling complications from gall bladder surgery, pain after gall bladder removal, etc.  Forums of people, all complaining about mild stomach pains, life long dieting, severe diarrhea, and full on pain that feels like the original gall bladder attack that landed them in the hospital in the first place.  They all say the same thing about the outcome too.  All the tests and check ups in the world reveal, surprise, no gall bladder and no complications.  There is nothing there to hurt?  Phantom pains is the diagnosis.  There are some people complaining about their pain 3, 6, 10 years post surgery!  I can not live with this pain for the rest of my life, that's why they were supposed to be removing the source of pain.

And then it happened.  I woke up in the middle of the night to breastfeed, just like last time.  Half way through feeding I started getting uncomfortable, just like last time.  To the point where I had to stop feeding and started stretching my back out, couldn't lay down, got up, paced... just like last time.  At the point where I wanted to jump in the shower for some hot water pressure on my back, I realized... Damn, this is just like last time!  Luckily, Bryan came in to the bathroom to check on me and reminded me that I still had some vicodin left over from my surgery.  Thank goodness!  I laid back down to try and sleep.  Bryan asked if I was alright.  It still hurt, but the pain medication was taking the edge off enough to lay down.  I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep through the pain.  For the life of me, I don't understand what it could be.  But I know the feeling is worse then a phantom pain. 

If I am going to have full on "gall bladder" attacks, without a gall bladder... then I would like mine back please, so I can at least eat again!

new ventures...

a sewing machine... baby food... and dehydrated foods for picky eater...
crochetting and cloth diapering all short lived
I love Bryan for letting me try

Phone Dump Friday:

We had supervised painting this week.  I stress supervised, as Addison keeps finding the paints herself, and just drawing gorgeous Picasso splatters all over her carpets, clothes, bedding.  It is hard to be too mad about it though, because if you examine the crime scene, you can clearing tell that she tried really hard to keep in on her drawing table like a good little girl. Oh, she tried, sigh...

Baby Ryne was very fussy during painting time.  He is getting stronger by the second though; making lots of effort to reach for things in an uncoordinated fumbling motion.  When he finally does get a hold of what he wants, like the paints, he was swinging them around like a paint ninja!  Just for a minute.

And my FAVORITE part about this week.  I really wanted leg warmers for the babies hospital stay, I just couldn't justify paying $8 a piece for them.  In my little search for who sells the cutest baby boy leg warmers, I instead found way more tutorials on how to make baby leg warmers. Then I followed that lead to Ebay, where I discovered all the incredibly cute leg warmer patterns everyone is selling on Etsy...for $2 a pair of socks!!  So now I'm going to have WAY too many leg warmers when I get done cutting all the feet of these socks.

I almost forgot my least favorite part about this week.  Bryan, the baby, and I go out to lunch on Monday morning, while Addison is in daycare.  And the Chinese lady that is waiting on us clearly stares at the baby's cleft and says, "Is he ok?"  Really?  I have no idea what she meant.  I do not care to try and decipher it.  I just knew from the beginning that people would stare and say things, thats what I was scared about in the first place.  I have moved on though, and I guess it shocked me a little that I never considered that the world around me does not live with this everyday.  Some of them honestly don't even know what a cleft is, let alone are so accustomed to it, that they look past it like we do.  I do find it funny though, how when people do stare, it honestly takes me a second to figure out what on earth they are staring at. =)

looking at baby

how Kendra looks at him.  How mom looks at hom.  How everyone says of he is gorgeous, like they are trying to convince me.  I know, I dont want it fixed.  I asked addison whats wrong with the babys face.  She looked at him deeply for a moment thinking about it.  Like she was thinking, well maybe?  But then with all the confidence in the world she looks back at me and goes, "no, they will fix the scratch on his face."  Because she doesnt believe there is anything wrong with his face.  I love her.  I love the unconditional love of that 3 year old child, that has no concept of what society says is perfect or not.  To her baby brother is perfect.  And she is right, yes he is.  He is not deformed... he is perfect.

insert 3 month photo book here...

Phone Dump Friday:

This week was sad and happy.  We spent the beginning of the week with my sister, before the Navy took her back.  I took some last minute family photos, which I will sort thru and post.  And FINALLY! (I've been wanting to do this for a long time,) we went to the Children's Museum of Pittsburgh.  And Yes, it was just as awesome as I thought it was going to be!  Of course, Addison thought so too.  But then... It was time for goodbyes, which never get easier, and are now heart breaking with children involved.  Especially over the next few days, when Addison constantly says her Auntie Kendra is coming too.

Playing in the Water works room upstairs with the sail boat she made.  They also provide these cute raincoats and rubber crocs!

The shirts I made for the kids in the art room, using their silk screen activity station.

Auntie Kendra shooting rockets at the targets.  This particular rocket keeps arching towards the ground 5 feet in front of her, a complete failure for a Navy Sailor.

Snow day:  We made homemade play-dough after we came inside from the cold and wet snow.

Looking at the stars and finding the moon on the ceiling with baby Ryne's Christmas present: a night light turtle.

My favorite room!  The art room.  We couldn't get Addison to leave the room and see the rest of the museum.  We started our tour here and ended it here!

I hope it won't be another 365 days til we see Auntie Kendra again, but I won't get my hopes up.  I can't fault the Navy for liking her as much as we do!

New years res..

homemade, used, and homey...

Let the me shine through...