Lost words from the heart...

I never forget the amazing things I have in my life.  In the back of my mind I know I am lucky, but sometimes always I do not express or tell the people around me how blessed I am to have them.  My husband suffers the most from my stubborn-ness.  I am the definition of stubborn, in my actions, my feelings, and my expressions.  I say I love you, just as my mother used to tell me daily that she loved me, but I rarely saw or felt it.  And it breaks my heart to think that the people that mean the most to me might not truly know I actually do love them and appreciate them.

My daughter.  She is almost 3 and a huge handful these days.  There is not one thing she can not and will not get into.  She is supposed to explore and learn.  I am supposed to teach her.  Yet, I find myself always yelling at her about everything.  What is she learning from me?  The same things I have learned from my mother?  To yell.  To fear.  To love inside and not express it.  To frown more then I smile.  I don't want that for her.  I want her to laugh and remember her childhood as joyous, nurturing, and loving.  I want her to grow up a strong individual who looks back and admires her mother. 

My husband.  I love him more then life itself.  And I know that he doesnt know this.  There are numerous days I sit at home without him and I miss him.  All I want to do in that alone time is hug him, kiss him, and tell him how important he is to me.  I cant even fully express in words, if I wanted to, everything I love about him.  Yes, he drives me nuts.  I think he makes some poor decisions sometimes, and could think things through a little more.  Mostly though, I wish he would listen to my wants and needs... but if I have to be honest, I also know that I make these requests difficult when I myself don't express them.  At the end of the day, I get upset about something, anything, the smallest thing, and I don't tell him about my love.

If I could bring myself to tell him, I would say... He is incredible, simply, in a nut shell, incredible.  He is the most understanding, devotional, giving, and loving person I have ever met.  Mostly, he deals with me.  He accepts my stubborn-ness.  He smiles and laughs at my anger.  He gives me anything and everything I ask for, even when I scream my demands at him.  He makes me feel.  I feel loved, I feel safe, I feel unconditional.  That no matter what I do, say, or don't do and say, he will always be there.  I have never felt like that from anyone or anywhere before.  I always knew what it should feel like, because I have felt it towards others, an unconditional and giving love.  For the first time though, I feel like I am loved like that.  Its amazing. 

At the end of the day, I want to learn to be a better person.  I want to smile, laugh, and love.  I am sick of frowning, of being angry, of focusing more on the bad then the good... I am sick of being stubborn!  Why cant I bring myself to tell people why I love them?  I need to smile at them, laugh with them, and just be able to say, "I appreciate you with all my heart."  I want to let go of the negative and the petty situations that always set off my anger.  I am happy, don't get me wrong, I just cant figure out how to let my happiness show and express itself.  I just don't know how...

I do love you... with everything I am.